I’ve had a sort of epiphany recently. It’s something I’ve probably heard a million times, but it’s just become so apparent to me now – You can’t be happy in a relationship unless you can be happy being single. Obviously there are many other things that contribute to having a successful relationship, but I think this is at the top of the list.

So many couples fight because one of the two people is too reliant on the other for their security and happiness. So many problems stem from this unhealthy reliance including distrust, “neediness”, etc.  You always hear the cliche of meeting your “other half”, but I think that that is a very unhealthy way to view relationships. A relationship should not consist of two people who feel incomplete and inadequate somehow filling each other’s voids, but should be two happy, healthy people who form a couple – not two halves forming a whole, in other words.

Do you ever notice that the most attractive people are the people who go through life with confidence and self worth? I’m not talking about the people who are egotistical obviously, but the people who are satisfied with who they are, accept themselves, and pursue their own interests. I think I’m slowly, but surely getting to that point in my life.

To be able to function in a relationship, I think you have to have a few years of what some would consider “selfish”  living. Before getting into a long term relationship I think you should explore all of your interests, know your likes and dislikes, find out what sort of person you are, have a healthy body image, find out what you believe and why, etc. You should be complete. You should know yourself inside and out. Another person will not complete you. They really really won’t. Everyone has shortcomings and will disappoint you. If you are depending on someone else for your happiness, you will not be very happy because they will let you down. Even the most perfect person out there will let you down. I think “finding yourself” is something everyone should do before pursuing any sort of long term relationship that could potentially end in marriage.

Well, I’m not really sure how to wrap this up so I’ll just leave you with that. I’m not trying to pretend I know everything – or anything at all for that matter – I’m just expressing what I have found to be true in my own life.



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3 responses to “Relationships

  1. Aunt Janet

    You are very very correct Victoria (from my own personal experiences as well). Going into my first marriage at a very young age I had a lot going against me in terms of chances of a successful happy marriage.

    I was very young and really had no clue yet as to who I really was. My “self” developed in the first few years of my marriage and I think it tended to take on the personality and ways of my husband as that was the person so prominent as I was developing. I did not go into the marriage with a great sense of value and self esteem and therefore it put an unfair amount of pressure onto Theron to make me happy. Don’t get me wrong…two people in a marriage need to be always working to try to make their partner happy but as you stated…we as humans will fail miserably at that.

    When we fail at that…the partner at that receiving end begins to “feel” unloved and sometimes become convinced that the marraige is not working out…they are not in love anymore.

    A good grasp of who you are individually…the ability to be happy and confident with yourself is soooo essential going into marriage. Marriage is hard enough for even those who go into it as healthy individuals. You go into it floundering, insecure, unhappy with yourself or just inmature in your development as a person – it is sooo much harder!

    And of course, as you already know, another important factor (again through my experience) is always making that personal relationship with Christ the center of your lives…this has really made an improvement on Brad and I’s relationship.

    Victoria….there is a book you should really read…and Lee too. You don’t really have to be engaged to benefit from the book. Even if you and Lee never married, you both would benefit individually from it. And actually…going through the book (and workbooks) together would give you a VERY good idea if you think it is prudent to continue dating. There are two seperate workbooks (one for the man and one for the woman) that go with the text. You complete the activities and compare answers.

    It is called “How to Save Your Marriage Before it Starts” written by Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott. It does have a spiritual perspective but it as a whole very very practical.

    Brad and I have just finished going through it and we have gained so much from it.

    Another book that I think EVERY couple should read is Dr. Emerson Eggerichs “Love and Respect(or better yet…go to he and his wifes seminar once engaged). Talk about epiphany’s..for both men and women!!! Brad even said he got soooo much from that book and seminar.

    There is training for almost everything out there and yet not too many take advantage of marriage training…I think it is because when young couples are in that engaged stage…they feel so in love and think that they have it figured out…they won’t be like other couples…they think there is no possibility that they will ever fall into the patterns and problems failed marriages fall into…how could they when they feel soooo strongly for each other. Poppycock!! LOL Every couple contemplating marriage should do every thing they can leading up to the marriage to learn everything they can and get some “professional training.” Marriage is inticate work that requires both partners to be on their toes. They need to be fully aware of what they need and what the other needs and what they can do to keep things running well.

    Anyway….sounds like you are really understanding the importance of being an individual…and loving yourself.

    I finally was able to really love myself when I finally accepted that I must be truly worth loving – I felt the Arms of Protection of God around me in my life and it hit me that I must realy be worth something and be loveable for Him to take an invested interest in my life. That really helped me put my head up and see my worth.

    Anyway Victoria…you work at Borders….check out those books.

    Love ya!

  2. Aunt Janet

    I know it is really late notice but Dr. Emerson Eggerich and his wifes “Love and Respect” Seminar will be in Cincinnati Ohio October 22nd and 23rd. I tell you what…if you and Lee could somehow finagle it…I guarantee you would not be disappointed…the investment would be well worth it. (Whether or not you end up together in the end or not)

    I think Cincinnati is like 4 hours from you all…but a nice road trip! 🙂 (See link below)

  3. Aunt Mary

    So true! I have told my story over and over, but maybe not to you and WordPress (LOL)

    Before I met Scott, I just assumed I would marry.
    Very similiar to your situation, one day I realized and said to myself, “What if God’s will for my life is to be single” I almost felt sick from that thought but grasped the reality of it all.

    That night, I went home and prayed telling God that I had made assumptions in my life and needed Him to guide me and show me the path to take. I was not sure I was to stay in Indiana and thought that maybe I should go back to Beloit, WI for a while.

    Within a week or so after that particular prayer, I met Scott. I know my comment is not “apples to apples” with what you are saying. However, I did have to come to a place in my life in which I asked the Lord to make me content regardless of my status – single or married

    I do believe that is so important not to depend on anyone else in this life to make you happy
    (but it sure can be a bonus!)

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